Stepping Heavenward

Awesome book! Challenging book! Still thinking about it a week after reading it.

This book has been recommended to me by several people. I had to order a book for mom's group through CBD a couple of weeks ago and as I went to check out, there was Stepping Heavenward in my cart. It was only $4, so I figured, oh I'll get around to it someday and threw it in with my order. By the time it arrived I was wanting something to read. It was in the midst of the insomnia and crazy postpartum hormone struggle. I needed something other to read than the internet. God once again proved to me that He always knows what we need.

In the midst of my tough weeks I learned to rely on God like I never had before. Life has been relatively easy for me. No huge struggles. Yes, there were some, but none really that changed my life forever or made me feel shaken like this was doing to me. I didn't know which way was up. I knew God had made me a mom and a wife and had put me in that role. The role of taking care of my family. For a couple of weeks I felt completely incapable of doing just that. What was God teaching me? Why would He give me that role, but not let me do it? Why was it suddenly so hard?

It had me questioning my sanctification and almost my salvation and how much I had ever depended on Him. After just a couple nights of not sleeping, I turned to God like I never had before. I lied it all down at His feet. I finally saw that I couldn't do all of this on my own. It was as if I knew He could help, but I wanted to do it all on my own. I could handle all of this. He calmed my heart in the salvation area and showed me the areas in which I needed to grow. It was a sweet time of learning from Him. He knocked me down as low as I felt I could go. Then, He pulled me out of it. What joy it truly is to see Him, feel Him working on you. To know that it was really only because of Him that I survived something so hard. No, it was not a horrible, horrible, devastating situation; I feel so over-dramatic right now. Seriously though, going nights without any sleep what-so-ever, having a newborn and a 3 year old, not being able to take care of your family, let alone function on your own and then throw the guilt and the stress on top of that, making it even harder to sleep and then on top of all that, crazy, unbalanced hormones and you start to think that life can't get any more difficult.

Coming out of it, I praise the Lord that that was the extent of this trying time. I praise Him that we did all survive it. I praise Him that I do still struggle daily with the stresses of being a mother to two, wanting my life back where I could come and go as I pleased. I struggle to be content at home. To find joy in making beds, folding laundry, planning meals and all that comes with being a wife and a mother. I praise Him for these struggles because it keeps me close to Him. It keeps me on my knees, seeking to find my all in Him. Reminds me that contentment is a choice and that true joy only comes from Him.

Now, I started this blog talking about a book, but had to fill you in on what I was going into reading the book with. The main character, Katherine, is writing the book in journal format during her life in the 1800's. We see her life starting at 16 (I think) and then onto adulthood. We follow her through the drama of a boy, getting married, having kids. We even read about the tragedies of death family members and even her own children. She struggles at the beginning with whether or not she is a Christian. It's too much work. She must not love the Lord because she doesn't want to serve Him, she doesn't want to do good. She keeps falling back into selfish patterns of life. We see her realize that we serve God by living our life with the attitude of "not my will, but yours be done."

It was challenging to me. Was that how I was living my life? All to often I want to serve God how I want to serve Him. I want His will to be my will all too often. I wasn't wanting to serve God by serving my family. I wanted to get back into church as active as I was. I learned through this book, that it is His will first! He has me at home and in that I will find joy because of Him.

Along with His will first is the understanding that He is a sovereign God. He does everything with a perfect plan, even in the taking of her son. Am I willing to let my family go because it's His will. What am I willing to give up? I need to be willing to loose it all and to count it all joy. It was as if the "rose-colored glasses" I had always seen life had been lifted. I saw that life can be hard. Day to day life can be hard. We aren't promised happy-happy days filled with joy from the outside happenings of day-to-day life. God has our life planned out for His glory. I praise Him for that.

I still don't have all this figured out, but I am more at peace. I praise the Lord that He has it figured out! I'm living each a little more fully with the attitude of "Not my will, but your's be done." I pray that He grows that and deepens that in my heart and in my very being. That I live out that attitude daily. But know I'm still struggling because I also pray that it won't hurt too much.

So that's me, that's where I'm at. Heart laid out. I pray that somehow God uses this to bless you and grow you. Thankfully, when He teaches us a lesson, He usually will let us share it with others so that they can know Him a little more. How have you struggled? Have you shared it with someone that might benefit from it? Don't hold your struggles too close. God put us here to live with one another, to benefit and to grow together. We are the body of Christ.

Now back to where He has me. My sweet Benjamin has woken up and is crying for me! Thomas is calling from his room as well, because the crying woke him up. Ahh, I praise you Lord for my household and all that you have given me with it!